I'm Obsolete!

After searching the Internet for job postings over the past couple of months, I have come to the sad realization that I am obsolete - I have absolutely no computer knowledge. There isn’t a reputable company out there that will hire me because of it.

I am a teacher: I have a lot of people skills, deal well in the leadership role, communicate excellently and I don’t need to be supervised. All this time, I thought that it was enough. But now I need to know how to use things like Java, Dreamweaver and e-learning software that I haven’t even heard of. Argh…my world is crashing down on me. The truth is I have been trying to ignore the onset of the computer age ever since I started teaching. Unfortunately, I can’t ignore it anymore. I’ve registered into an HTML course and will start there. There’s a lot to learn so I think I’ll start at the beginning, *Sigh…So….have any of you felt like this?

Gung Hay Fat Choy!! - Happy Chinese New Year. I had a nice day today, eating Dim Sun with friends, walking through Chinatown, taking pictures and watching the Chinese New Year parade. It's the year of the Golden Pig -(oink oink).

Particularly, I want to say thank you to a young native woman in purple that I met today while I was walking on the street. She was sitting quietly cross-legged on the sidewalk in Chinatown. I didn’t notice her until I smelled the burning sage. She looked up at me when I passed by and I quickly felt a soft tickle in my heart. By looking into me and acknowledging my being, she lifted my spirit up and gave it light. I didn’t know if she realized what she had done, but when I turned my head around to see her, she was already looking right at me. She gave me a little nod of the head. I smiled back at her. Though her intention was simply to say hello to me, it meant a lot more. It reminded me to see people beyond their physicality because humans are souls and spiritual beings. Even more, it reminded me that I am also a living spirit who has her own guides and angels all around. I’ve forgotten about my guides. I stupidly cast them off a while ago, telling them to leave me alone for a bit. But, now I’m off to go meditate (something I haven’t done for so long.) So, "thank you" young native lady in purple…"namaste!"

Perhaps, it wasn't meant to be...

“There’s nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.”
- James Lee Burke

So I didn’t get the job. I went through the rigorous interview process, put my heart into it and said my prayers of gratitude for the opportunity. But, I was rejected. I probably should just end this post right here but I won’t…because just as life does, you gotta keep on going. If my mom were here she would say something to the tune of “next time you’ll get them!” Although I know it doesn’t serve a purpose, I am upset about it and I am dwelling. What should I do now?

Perhaps it wasn’t meant to be. There is so much in life that can be reasoned with that one sentence. Even if I don’t know what is meant for me, somehow, that expression makes me feel better.

Men with BAD MANNERS

Listen up, I am writing my first ever rant!
My girlfriends and I went out last Friday for a girl's night out and discovered unfortunately how rude some men are. Here we were, a group of girls together. All night we were stared at, touched and cussed at. Even the bouncer was barking at us. Actually in truth he was a little funny because we got snarky at him for being grumpy and then he told us we were too sensitive. Well, we ARE women, hmmm…

Nevertheless, this evening was the weirdest experience I've ever dealt with in a nightclub. One gay man called my friend a 'slit with hair' (yes my mouth dropped too!) while a presumably straight one prowled around me trying to cop a feel until we told him to "back off" and he responded with YOU BACK OFF! I was mortified at the attitude. Where have these men been learning to talk like that??? What happened to chivalry? Ok, yes one of them was gay but that's absolutely no excuse! I mean, aren't they the first group of people to be slurred at?

You know my girlfriends and I don't go out that often together, and when we do, we end up hugging a lot, dancing and bonding. I thought it was really shitty that these dumb assholes (excuse the language) couldn't respect that. Even more than that you know, just because I feel sexy and end up having fun...it isn't an invitation for a man to grab me, especially when I am walking to the bathroom! F.Y.I men…I’m not asking for it and I’m not egging you on. And I wasn't even wearing anything that revealing! Imagine if I had! The point is, I’m just with my friends and having a good time. Come on, seriously why do men grab women? (Oh gee pal, thanks for grabbing me and all...I guess you must think I'm kinda cool, huh?) Bleh!

So, if you are a man...please be more aware of how aggressive you are being. Don't ruin our nights for the sake of your egos.
And so ends my rant, thanks for reading..any questions? *(giggle)

CUBA LIBRE

It’s been a couple of weeks now since I’ve come back from Cuba. I regret not writing about my trip sooner. I’m afraid to say that the vivid memories of sights, smells and feelings are slowly dissipating. Looking back at my pictures now, I faintly recall the subtle rhythm of the island. I miss it. In facty, I’ve just finished opening a new CD of a live band we enjoyed listening to in Varadero. And so the nostalgia begins.

Flash back 2 weeks ago to Havana Vieja– a dog lies in the middle of the cracked cement, basking in the warm Cuban sun. There are groups of children in school uniforms bouncing balls against walls and running in back alleys with mothers calling after them. Every corner I turn, men are keeping themselves busy under the hoods of their old Buicks and Chevrolets. A line of Cubanos snakes down the street – they are queuing up for their ration of bread. Then, I peek at a funny looking cigar-smoking granny that is sitting on the stoop of her doorstep. She is watching us pass by.

Beauiful beats of the bongos, the guiro, even a cowbell empty out from cafes, restaurants people’s cars and random apartment windows. “Cha Cha Cha…1, 2," (I can hear an imaginary beat in my head.) It's F@*$% ing sweet. Gotta love that latin jazz!. It doesn’t strain your ear, nor push itself on you. Cuban music has a way of seducing you into hip swaying and gentle shoulder nudging.

All this history under my feet and the people don't hide it. I have to say they know who they are and where they come from. And they are still so gracious. Muchas Gracias CUBA!!! ...... it was a unique vacation.

The Pursuit of Happyness

Do you work at being happy?
How do you pursue your happiness?

In life I think we can work to be happy... or we can work at being happy.
For me, we work to be happy whenever we pursue a goal.
And we work at being happy whenever we let loose, laugh, dance, relax and enjoy life.

I am trying to squeeze out meaning from these questions and the answers.
Sometimes it seems I am forcing happiness, and it even sometimes eludes me.
But in the end, I still feel very optimisitic about life. I see more beauty everyday, everywhere I go.

So I ask you one question: To which pursuit of happiness do you devote the majority of your life?

Attitude of Gratitude

As I rang in the beginning of the new year, I drank a little champagne, sat and watched the party around me. Everyone seemed to be having an awesome time. I wondered how their 2006 was. Did they have a good year or a bad year? It was hard to know because they all looked so happy. When I am in a slump or when things just aren't going my way, looking at happy people can affect me. I often feel better when I am surrounded by smiling, happy people, but other times I feel alienated. Another thing I noticed is how being positive and happy comes naturally for some people while others have to force it. Then, there are others who don't try either way. And this all makes me think about happiness.

I've recently watched a movie called the Secret. Despite the cheesy stories that are told in it, I have to say that this movie really stirred up some new feelings that I have about finding happiness. I suppose this movie doesn't offer anything new, but for some reason it helped me understand much more about life and contentment. I really recommend this movie (or book) for everyone. It's because of this movie that I was able to look around me at the New Year's Eve party and enjoy myself that much more. To find happiness, I don't have to go far at all. I merely have to recognize all that I have been blessed with.

It simple. It's the most basic feeling. It's gratitude. With hugs, kisses and champagne toasts to go around, there was so much abundance and warmth to help me remember that also in my own life, I have an enormous amount to be grateful for. And this made me very happy. So I decided to make it a resolution - to have an attitude of gratitude everyday! It's a guaranteed way to be happy.

Vancouver, Out There!

In the dismal grey morning of downtown Vancouver, an echo from somewhere in the streets goes right through my body and thwarts the birds from resting. I Look at the swaying from left to right, and the unstable in posture. I hear hideous howls and see arms flailing about.

IS IT A MAN OR IS IT AN ANIMAL????

I check…it’s a man. This man-beast is louder than city traffic can drown out. Even the rain muffles only a few syllables. Like TNT, an explosion of rawness erupts when evil glimpses his own reflection in a window. I close my eyes. It’s deafening: the screams sound like – “get outta here.” He’s shouting at his own reflection.

IT'S A BUM, A STREET PERSON, AN ANNOYANCE! Or so they say...

He's a junkie. I am sitting now in Tim Hortons and notice he’s still out there. Just like my brother, he’s Out There. In the streets among the street people doing nothing but street business. Now, I can’t stop watching him. When he is not looking nervously around his shoulders, he bends over to check out the holes in his pants. He rocks back and forth like waves in a deep ocean. He must be messed up. What made him that way? Does my brother get like that? God I hope not. My brother would be more normal than that, I think. Have you ever seen dogs try to eat peanut butter? It’s a funny sight, but you also feel sorry for them because they never do manage to lick all that sticky goo off their own tongues. I had the uneasy feeling this guy was trying to accomplish something similar. Lick off his very own tongue, or pick off his own skin or worse, wish himself gone.

I’m still staring at him, I blink and then he’s gone. Was it just a quick blink? It may have been one of those blinks you do when you look unknowingly into space for a while (ponder a bit) and then come back to what you were doing before. In any case he had disappeared and the city seemed quiet. I think nobody but me noticed that he left. Its easy to ignore them when they're not there, right? He's gone to disturb himself in privacy. I hear people say they won’t buy a home in the city because it’s too expensive. The truth is – these streets are drug zones. Nobody wants to live around here anymore period. Can you blame them?

What about BORAT?

I don't usually feel compelled to write about movies, but this one is absolutely necessary (given all the hype). Everyone's talking about Borat. Okay, okay, okay. I saw the movie and need to forwarn anyone who has an inch of taste to NOT waste your money.

I certainly didn't like it. Why, you ask? I'd rather not tell you why. If I told you specifically my reasons for hating it, I may entice you to go check it out for yourself. In fact, I don't wish to give anybody, any good reason to make this movie any more of a huge block buster than it already is. Costing only something like 4 million to make, this movie has already pulled in at least 15 times that at the box office.

In the end, I have to say that the popularity of this show is a sad commentary on our society. It's surprising that it has got as many laughs as it did. Let's just say that I still don't understand why having a retarded brother locked up in a cage is funny. Perhaps I am over sensitive. But, a sister as a prostitute? Ergh, come on!

ODE to Chocolate

The tasteful buzz of nature’s sweetness,
Adoring, savoring and worshipping.
Velvety, smooth drug of bliss,
I am devoted and take pleasure in consuming.

An aphrodisiac, a drug, a plant and a flower,
Cacao, the tree of love never ceases to amaze.
Anyone, at any time, for any for any reason,
A savoring of love and peace, in one gaze.

Tasting the suppleness of chocolatey-heaven may empower,
But for me, it seduced and replaced my lover,
For my dear chocolate will always be there, for every season.
Even at the end of summer.

Who am I?

I don’t know why, but yesterday sucked! Do you ever have those days when you think the world is just a lousy excuse for a place to live out our human existence? It’s one of those days when you find yourself hiding under the blankets with your mug of tea still half drunk, wishing that you didn’t have to do it all again the next day. Yup, that was my day yesterday.

First of all, I never stay grumpy like that because I know that negativity breeds even more negativity. I’m not a groaner, but damn sometimes this world is just so hard to live in. What is it about being human that sucks the energy and spirit right out of you? And don’t tell me that it’s because I am not a person of faith, or because I have lost my way. That’s crap. Sometimes, this fast-paced, money focused, overly self-aware world is simply too nasty for our inner and mental health. And it’s not slowing down for anyone!

That brings me to this question…are we human beings living a spiritual life, or are we spiritual beings living a human life?

I’ve often heard the latter, that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It could be said that within every living organism, there is spirit and there is soul. They have their own energies and they also have individual impulses that are played out according to their environment. As an animal lover, I personally believe that the human essence isn't so different from that of animal’s because it's just the packaging that distinguishes and classifies us a human being. As human beings our wills, desires, deeds and destiny are what make us spiritual but it's the actions and results of our spirit (acted out in society) that make us appear as trying to be human.

In the end I have to totally admit that I’m a moody, spiritual being that is humbled by her sensitivities. I’m also a very, unique human that functions in the way that seems the most natural for me. And, it still frustrates me. But, I will get over it soon.

Communication with GOD

I would like to tell you my story of when I felt like I had communication from God.

This story begins approximately four or five years ago. I had decided to move back home with my mom because my Dad was dying from cancer. I wanted to be with my Dad and support my mom. While at home, I was emotionally confused and psychologically messed up. I couldn’t deal with the reality of it all, of death and sickness, so I turned to drugs to help me. Escapism at it's finest. I did a lot of drugs and I did them all the time. I even showed up high for work. I remained addicted until the evening of my Dad's passing. Following that night, I replaced my drug addiction for depression. As weeks turned into months, I became exceedingly despondent, miserable, and lonely. I floated around absent-mindedly staring at walls all day and had gained 15 pounds as a result. I hated my life. I hated me. My father's death took me for a ride. My friendships didnÂ’t mean a thing to me, and I became angry. Yet deep down I was still thirsty for love. For something strong. Finding love was so important to me that I thought it would make me feel more human. Unwilling to share myself with just anyone, my heart ached and I yearned to feel right again. We've all felt so shitty that we thought it would never get better. I am definitely an optimist by nature, but those were rough days, and I didn't see the light at the end. I remember doing my journalling, meditating and praying for something good.

Then. I met someone that would later help change my life. And completely change my life I should say. I knew he was the one when I saw him, when he saw me, and when we spoke our first words. We fell for each other instantly. For the past 4 and half years, we have been together; talking, learning, laughing, fighting, crying and changing. Whenever I reflect on that day, I know it and I feel it - he was sent to me. The light returned into my eyes. He taught me to love again, to open my heart and to be true. I have become the beautiful soul that was intended for me.

Some people might call this experience a karmic relationship and I agree with that, but I also strongly believe that it is God who led me to this man. Indeed, this wasn’t a direct encounter with God, but IS there ever really any direct communication with him? What counts is that God heard me…and he always does. In a famous poem “Love Dogs” the poet Rumi wrote:

The longing you express is the return message.
The grief you cry out from draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness that wants help is the secret cup.
Listen to the moan of a dog for its master. That whining is the connection.

Being such an enlightening poem, I could identify with it. My depression, my misery and that phase of my life are sanctified by that idea. It assures me now that the longing, the search and the questions that I had are a proof of my communion with God. God shares with me the echo of my "whimpers" as in the poem and in return he/she shows me my connection to spirit. Hallelujah!

An ASPECT of YOURSELF

"Whatever inspires you is an aspect of yourself."

Sometime ago, I read this in a book and I copied it down on a piece of paper. Today, I randomly picked it out of a junk drawer and here I am starting this blog space. "Inspiration comes from an aspect of yourself." It sounds like a cool quote, yet I don't know what it means to me. So, I want to reflect more on the meaning of that sentence. At first, many people think of inspiration as something outside of themselves. For instance, a mountain may inspire someone to take up the sport of snowboarding or more artistically inclined people may feel inspired to paint after visiting a garden . According to Wikipedia, the word "inspiration" literally means "breathed upon" and the origin of this breath is God. Inspiration then is divine!

For me, the image of being breathed upon by God is quite amazing. But, isn't it true we all experience God in different ways? For me, the spirit of God is felt within. Looking inwards and reflecting on myself helps me to find that. Personally speaking, when I have conversations with God (what some people call praying) I am simply talking to myself, and to my spirit. My spirit knows everything. So, if inspiration comes from God and my God is my own spirit, then I've come to realize that inspiration is found within. Perhaps that is what it means. Now, I know why I kept that piece of paper.

CATHARSIS

Sleeping in on Sunday,
stretched over the bed we lie.
As if the room were heaven
looking over a white beach seaside.

A warm body emanates, amused and entertained.
There you wink an eye at me,
With your face: smug and pleased.

To picture such a night;
features like yours, unfamiliar yet true.
You wooed me.
Floating purple and blue belles, I remember...

What was I supposed to do?

Loved me early, darling.
This be the way to my heart.
A pleasant surprise of
gesture. Love is an art.

Sparse, your words ran as
your heart spoke of hope and fear.
Inside your eyes and beneath your soul I wondered
Why so strong, but gentle lover?
Then we grew as one.

Happily and evermore we now stay,
A nod and a grin feel so fond.
Fall into your arms, O come home.
Welcoming, our kindled spirits bond.

To foresee ahead, would be divine.
Together in love I hope to be.
For our love is deep, and you are
the ripple and the cool of a stream
that I am swimming in my dreams.